When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
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“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Labreador
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now