I’ll be mad as hell!
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verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
*updates tinder bio*
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.