Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
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The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.