[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
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What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.