My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
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Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
As the Lord intended
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.