herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
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Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Skills
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad