[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
You Might Also Like
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped