Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
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I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.