Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
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Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.