[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
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judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
But that’s none of my business
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
“I’m helping” 😅
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
I cannot call her anything else now
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
when nothing goes right… go left
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends