I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
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People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Smile they said.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*