The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
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College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.