You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
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[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.