[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
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I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out