“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
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Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.