ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
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receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
new wife guy just dropped
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
💁🏻♂️
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.