Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
You Might Also Like
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces