Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
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Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.