Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
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Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts