I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
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nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money