girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
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Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.