I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
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BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Golf would be better with landmines.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”