Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
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First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about