If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
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Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.