I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
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[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Ion see the issue
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb