Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
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Teamwork makes the dream work.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
guilty
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.