ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
You Might Also Like
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.