I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
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{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE