No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
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Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?