I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
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her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth