Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
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*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
*seductively corrects your posture*
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Isn’t
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably