that wasn’t the question
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Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill