Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
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*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.