Me trying to “trust the process”
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[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
spicy snake
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Meeeee too!
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.