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One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”