Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
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Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no