Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
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What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.