life finds a way
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What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Not helping
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
crying
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.