You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
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Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.