Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
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I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days