marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
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Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
It’s an epidemic…
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵