I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
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THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
I hope google does well on my son’s test
inventing words: clothing
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.