All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
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Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
do horses think humans are hats
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.