I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
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It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
smh
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
*eats only grass-fed donuts
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.