Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
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i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Only short people can save us
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know