Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
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Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel