84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
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Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
won’t smith
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*