[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
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[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
quarantine day 3
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
How much for the goth pool noodles?
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Well, this certainly took a turn
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.