My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
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If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
When I pack too much for a short trip.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them