I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
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venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.